Please Be Advised

Advice: Ask Aunt Savvy!

2011-09-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

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Aunt Savvy (new name!) will consider answering your questions for this site. She seeks questions having to do with typical relationship, etiquette, and sticky social situation problems. Please submit your questions here. You may submit your questions anonymously. Even if you submit your real name, your personal info (name, address, e-mail) will not be revealed.

When you submit a question, include a specific dilemma, much like the scenario shown in My Girlfriend is Pulling Away....

That way, your question will be more likely to be accepted.

Sorry, but Aunt Savvy will not be able to answer any questions, except those published on the site.

Please note that Aunt Savvy is not an expert in serious psychological and medical issues. If you have a serious mental or medical problem, you need to see a professional. Check your local Yellow Pages or YellowPages.com (scroll down to the bottom of the page for your state) for more information.

If you are feeling suicidal, read here for some quick resources so that you can seek help. This link (not affiliated with Please.info) has no ads or pop ups and can help you get started on the road to recovery. The author of that website seems to be a caring person who understands what it means to be depressed and at the edge.

The advice that Aunt Savvy offers is just that: advice from an objective third party. In the end, you must decide for yourself whether to follow Aunt Savvy's suggestions.
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Are You a Hoarder, or Do You Know Someone Who is a Hoarder?

2010-10-24T18:46:00.001-07:00

Illustration created from a Creative Commons Image
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If you live in the United States of America, there is a chance that you can answer "yes" to this two-part question.

To what extent may vary, but almost everyone in consumerist America has too much stuff and too little space. However, most of us, from time to time, do weed and organize our stuff, although not as much as we would like. Moreover, most of us know when to discard obvious garbage, such as soda bottles, science projects from the refrigerator, old newspapers and magazines, food wrappers, etc. We might be labeled as "pack rats" for our inability to part with books, records, or even rocks (I plead guilty here). We hoard things that hold intrinsic personal value, even if they are not that useful or "valuable" in a monetary sense.

On the other hand, "compulsive hoarding" is a serious disorder, often requiring intensive psychotherapy and the help of professional organizers. "Compulsive Hoarding" can be defined as

...The excessive acquisition of possessions (and failure to use or discard them), even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary. Compulsive hoarding impairs mobility and interferes with basic activities, including cooking, cleaning, showering, and sleeping (Wikipedia).

A four-part documentary on hoarding:
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Hoarding, Part 1, by OtherLives

Parts 2 - 4 can be found at the end of this article.
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"Compulsive Hoarders" do not seem to know the difference between garbage and useful items/treasures. In their minds, everything is a treasure, including expired food, used pizza boxes, wrappers, coffee grounds, even fecal matter ("I'm going to use it in my garden," which, of course, will never get planted).

Thankfully, most of us are not compulsive hoarders to the extreme.

But how can you be certain that you are not heading down the path of compulsive hoarding? The National Study Group on Chronic Disorganization (NSGCD) has specified five levels of hoarding, Level I being the least serious and Level 5 the most serious:

Level I Hoarder
Household is considered standard. No special knowledge in working with the Chronically Disorganized is necessary. Level I hoarding can be seen as someone overlooking a pile of newspapers or pizza boxes gathering in the corner.
Level II Hoarder
Household requires professional organizers or related professionals to have additional knowledge and understanding of Chronic Disorganization.
Level III Hoarder
Household may require services in addition to those a professional organizer and related professional can provide. Professional organizers and related professionals working with Level III households should have significant training in Chronic Disorganization and have developed a helpful community network of resources, especially mental health providers.
Level IV Hoarder
Household needs the help of a professional organizer and a coordinated team of service providers. Psychological, medical issues or financial hardships are generally involved. Resources will be necessary to bring a household to a functional level. These services may include pest control services, "crime scene cleaners," financial counseling and licensed contractors and handy persons.
Level V Hoarder
Professional organizers should not venture directly into working solo with this type of household. The Level V household may be under the care of a conservator or be an inherited estate of a mentally ill individual. Assistance is needed through the use of a multi-tasked team. These members may include social services and psychological/mental health representative (not applicable if inherited estate), conservator/trustee, building and zoning, fire and safety, landlord, legal aid and/or legal representatives. A written strategy needs to be outlined and contractual agreements made before proceeding.

Click here (.pdf file) for more detailed descriptions of the five levels of hoarding.

Hoarders tend to save certain types of objects, such as toys, their children's items (no matter how trivial), tools, automotive parts, books and magazines.

Probably the most devastating kind of hoarding involves animals--everyone has read about or seen TV documentaries about a pet owner who keeps hundreds of cats or dogs. One can only imagine the horror of such a house: feces, rodents, insects, general decomposition, etc. The ABC News report below shows the physical effects of animal hoarding.

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Severe Animal Hoarding case in Indiana (ABC News)

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So how can you tell if you are a hoarder or on the verge of becoming one? To determine your risk, answer the following questions:

1. Are you a chronic shopper who buys things, used and new, you don't need, just because they are on sale?

2. Do you feel anxiety at the thought of weeding through your things and getting rid of unused stuff?

3. Do you keep obvious junk, such as junk mail or outdated newspapers and periodicals?

4. Is your home a one-way receptacle of stuff? In other words, do you fail to get rid of old items, even though you have replaced them with new and better items?

5. Are you running out of storage space?

6. Is your home becoming increasingly difficult to navigate? (Narrow pathways, for example).

7. Is your piled-up stuff starting to affect the quality of your life; for example, do you and your family have difficulty accessing and using vital areas of your home, such as the kitchen, bathroom, bedrooms, and living room?

8. Has your extended family started commenting negatively on the state of your home?

9. Do you keep three or more pets inside the home?

10. Do you often feel embarrassed to have company over, even close friends and family?

If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then you might be exhibiting some hoarding tendencies and should probably seek professional help.

Even if your situation seems minor, particularly if you are young, it is especially important to nip hoarding issues in the bud. Prevention is easier to manage than a full-blown hoarding problem.

At least in part, compulsive hoarding seems to be an offshoot of a consumerist, throwaway society. Back in the 1950's, when I was a child, hoarding was extremely rare; in fact, the occasional messy house was a cause for scorn and gossip. Consumers were thrifty and opted for having broken appliances repaired instead of replacing them. Kids wore clothes until they wore out or no longer fit, and usable clothing was passed down to younger siblings or friends. Leftover clothes were donated to the church or a thrift shop. Children did not wear designer clothing, but, rather, tough, practical garments designed for school and play.

Of course, hoarding did exist back in the good old days--one just has to look at the Collyer brothers' case of the 1940's--but this form of obsessive behavior seems to have increased in recent years. Also, back then, young people did not have the disposable income that they do now, so acquisition of stuff occurred more slowly.

For those who are relatives or friends of hoarders: remember to be compassionate with your loved one. Hoarding is a mental illness that defies logic, so these people must be treated with care and understanding, not mocked or scolded. Licensed professionals, such as therapists and organizers, are best equipped to help hoarders.

Cleaning out the hoarder's house without his or her permission is probably the worst thing a family member can do. First and foremost, a hoarder must feel in control of the cleaning out process and have the final say as to what goes and what stays. Otherwise, you risk alienating, perhaps forever, your loved one.

Currently, there are two TV series on hoarding: A&E's Hoarders and The Discovery Health Channel's Hoarding: Buried Alive.

Of the two shows, I believe that Hoarding: Buried Alive does a better job of helping the hoarders that they follow because their therapists and organizers allow the hoarders to take some significant time in getting their stuff cleaned out and their homes in order. The Hoarders' professionals, on the other hand, seem to rush their clients to complete the clean out within a few days, not giving the clients enough time to sort through their feelings and, yes, stuff. Also, the stereotypical scene with that convoy of Got Junk trucks rolling down the street is enough to cause serious trauma to already fragile souls. In some cases, however, the deadlines have been imposed by city officials, not the show's producers. Also, A&E does provide aftercare funds, suggesting that therapy occurs long after the cameras have been turned off.

As long as we remain a consumerist society, the number of hoarders will continue to rise. Both hoarding series show that hoarding can start at an early age and escalate as sufferers grow older. The sooner one gets help, the better the long-term prognosis.

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Hoarding, Part 2, by OtherLives

Hoarding, Part 3, by OtherLives

Hoarding, Part 4, by OtherLives

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Thanks to OtherLives and feralcatnews for allowing bloggers to embed their videos. Check out their YouTube channels: OtherLives and feralcatnews.

For more information about hoarding and getting professional help:

'Cat Ladies' and Other Species of Hoarders, by Sandra G. Boodman

Clutter Busters, by Bill Strubbe

The Danger of Hoarding, by Joyce Cohen

HartHosp.org

Hoarding, by Stacey Young

Intro to Hoarding

Saving the World, by Fred Penzel, Ph.D.

Squalor Survivors

Stepping Out of Squalor (Forum)

Unsolicited Advice to Antique and Collectible Sellers and Exhibitors

2010-08-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

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The other day, I visited an antique mall, to look for mineral specimens (which I collect), and other targets of opportunity.

I'm no expert on product placement of inventory, but, as a buyer, I do pick and choose where I will spend my time looking, especially in large antique malls with hundreds of booths vying for my attention; my time and energy are limited.

As I browsed, I noted some general observations about what sellers can do to make their spaces more appealing to buyers:

Make sure that you tag everything with readable prices (large numbers in black ink) and correct descriptions. Don't misrepresent your items; if you don't know, please don't guess. Either do your research or price accordingly.

Price your items right; many buyers are savvy about value, and if they see that your prices tend to be higher than reasonable wholesale, they will walk and go to the next booth. These days, you have plenty of competition, including bricks and mortar thrift shops, where prices are dirt cheap and astounding treasures can be found, and online stores, such as eBay and Craig's List.

Old, faded tags tell me that your item is priced way too high. If you really want to sell it, mark it down.

Be willing to dicker (leave your mobile number on file with the mall proprietor who can then call you when a customer wants to make a deal) and be willing to keep an open mind.

If your items are kept in locked display cases, make sure that your price tags are turned upward and clearly visible. There is nothing more irritating than not being able to see a price. Unless I'm seriously drooling over an item, I am not likely to ask the clerk, who is often alone at the front counter, to open the case.

Place themed items together. For example, while you may not be offering just Disneyana, you may want to dedicate one or more shelves to just your Disney items. Many potential buyers collect specific kinds of items (Teddy bears) or collectible labels (Beanie Babies), so make their browsing experience easier.

It's okay to dedicate your entire space to one kind of item, such as Coca Cola collectibles or rock specimens. While you will enjoy fewer casual browsers, theme collectors are serious buyers and will spend more time in your space. On the other hand, don't expect every shopper to stop by your booth. No way will I waste my time looking at shelf after shelf of old dishes, but others will, so it's a trade off.

Keep small, expensive items, such as jewelry, in a locked display case. If larger items are valuable, consider placing them under lock and key as well, but you probably don't need to worry about a chest of drawers being pilfered.

Keep your space tidy and clean, and don't overload it with inventory. If I want to comb through junk, I can do that in the bargain bin at the thrift store. When I go to an antique mall, I want to look through organized inventory and easily accessible items. In this case, less is better; create a sense of space--your items should be displayed in a manner that makes them look special and worth the price you are asking.

Dress up your space, perhaps according to theme or season. However, label your "not-for-sale" display items accordingly. A buyer might make an offer anyway, so be open minded and friendly. Recently, at a mineral show, I made an offer on a wood-carved hand/forearm; the seller was displaying necklaces on it. I thought it would be useful for storing and showing off my own necklaces and bracelets. The seller accepted my offer, and I ended up with a useful item and an unusual piece of art from Africa.

Some additional thoughts about about antique shows, where you and your employees will be working directly with customers:

Keep in mind that your customers have paid an admission fee; therefore, treat them with respect. If you ignore me or are surly, I am not likely to visit your shop, and I will be sure to tell others about your snooty and rude behavior.

Don't judge customers by the way they dress. Some attendees like to dress comfortably, especially when they decide to spend an entire day at an antique show, often held in large convention centers with concrete floors. That bearded blue-jeaned hippie in sneakers might be sitting on a 200-million-dollar trust fund. In short, treat a customer as if she or he is about drop a thousand bucks.

If someone asks a question about something related to your field, be friendly and helpful. If you don't know the answer to the question, just be polite and say you don't know and offer a good source or two that might hold some answers.
True story: I stopped going to a very popular antique show that occurs twice a year in my area because most of the sellers were surly and rude to customers. I overheard two of them lamenting the lack of business; I wanted to pipe up and tell them my take on their slow sales, but why bother? Potential attendees won't tell a seller or show promoter, "You're being rude, so I'm not coming back." Instead, they will vote with their feet and dollars.

There may be other considerations that I may have missed, but my suggestions are based on the "do unto others" rule. As a customer, I am polite and respectful to sellers, and I hope for the same from my sellers.

On my recent foray, I didn't find any mineral specimens, but I did buy a $3.00 cerrobend hexagon paperweight. I passed on a pretty stone necklace that was, quite frankly, way overpriced and not that special.

On the other hand, the cerrobend paperweight passed my three-pronged serendipity test:

1. I like it; it is different from anything I have ever seen.

2. It has a mark ("Cerro Bend"), which makes it easier to research, and

3. It was cheap, so it was worth the risk.

Happy selling!
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Advice: An Auntie Who is Always "Oh-So-Very-Late"

2009-11-18T06:13:00.000-08:00

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Question:

Dear Aunt Savvy,

I have an aunt who is chronically late, anywhere from one to two hours, for all family events, including her own son's wedding (which meant that everything ended up being delayed for over an hour). It just seems that this woman can't get her act together to get herself anywhere on time.

What can we do to educate her on the etiquette of arriving on time?

--Always on-time Molly

Answer:

Dear Always on-time Molly,

Dealing with a chronically late relative or friend is one of those vexing issues that has no good answer, especially if the relative sees no problem with her behavior.

If your aunt realizes that she has a problem and wants to solve the problem, you can suggest that she see a therapist, for she may have some underlying anger issues which cause her to be late all the time.

Meanwhile, always-on-time Aunt Savvy suggests the following "tricks" for the Auntie who wants to change:
1. Reset all your clocks about 15 minutes ahead.

2. When recording set arrival times, jot down an earlier arrival time. For example, if the desired time is 5:00 p.m., instead, write down "4:00 p.m."

3. When getting ready for an event, start one hour earlier and leave enough time for traffic jams, late buses or taxis, car breakdowns.
However, if Auntie doesn't see a problem with her chronic lateness, she is not about to change, and you can't make her. It's just that simple.

So, for you, here is what Aunt Savvy suggests:
1. When sending out family invitations, create a special one for Auntie, one that notes the time as being one or two hours earlier. The worst that can happen is that she will arrive early, and, then, you can put her to work flipping burgers.

2. If Auntie hasn't arrived on time, give her 10-15 minutes and then start the festivities without her. For major events (weddings and funerals), start on time.

3. If you run out of food before her arrival, simply say, "Oh, Dear, I'm sorry, but since you weren't here on time, we allowed the kids third helpings because they were SO hungry. But there's a KFC across the street..."

4. If you still have food, don't make any effort to keep a warmed plate for her; if you do this, you're simply enabling and rewarding her undesirable behavior. Simply show her the food table, and say, "Help yourself, Dear. I sure hope you don't get food poisoning..."

5. "Forget" to invite her, and when she finds out through the family grapevine, say, "Oh! We thought you were no longer interested in family gatherings."

Of course, she will protest, and you will be appropriately contrite, but unless she's a total dunderhead, she'll get the message.

Okay, this is a bit snarky and should only be done if you are positive she won't cut you off forever.
If, despite your best efforts, all of the above suggestions fail, just accept your aunt the way she is and repeat the following out loud:

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

In other words, don't own her problem. Love her and continue inviting her to family gatherings, but simply accept the fact that she will always be late, no matter what you want.

But accepting her chronic lateness doesn't mean you should accommodate it; maybe, just maybe, she'll eventually get the hint.

--Aunt Savvy

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Note: This is not a real question, but a what-if scenario based on a common relationship problem. Aunt Savvy will always disclose when a question is based on a scenario.

Aunt Savvy would be pleased to consider answering your real questions for this site.
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Advice: Publishing on the Web

2009-03-05T05:11:00.000-08:00

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Question:

Dear Aunt Savvy,

I'm a writer who cannot seem to get published to save my life.

I know I'm a good writer; editors and agents tell me that I write well, but in this uncertain publishing climate, they simply can't take a chance on an unknown writer.

It's like the chicken/egg conundrum: I can't get published because I'm unknown, I'm unknown, so I have little chance of seeing my work in publication.

So what is an aspiring writer to do?

Help!

Ne'er-Do-Well Writer.

Answer:

Dear Ne'er-Do-Well,

Aunt Savvy is going to give it to you straight: your defeatist attitude will get you nowhere, but it is also very true that unknown writers face an uphill battle in the publishing industry.

However, during this tumultuous transition period between an all-print industry and a budding e-publishing business model, there is one positive approach you can take:

Self-publish your work and the works of others on the web.

Never mind what naysayers tell you--that self-publishing is the kiss of the death for your writing career. In the past, this may have been true, but no more. Writers developing how-to websites are making money writing and "blogging" their expertise online.

This blog (Please be Advised) is a prime example of such a writing enterprise.

In addition, some creative writers are posting excerpts of their work online and including links to their excerpt sites in query letters to book agents and editors.

Most importantly, writing online can be a satisfying personal experience; it's free, fast, and easy.

Aunt Savvy is going to show you how to set up a blog in minutes and start posting your work immediately, using Google's Blogger platform.
1. You will need to set up a Gmail account. If you already have gmail, then you are all set to start blogging!

If not, go to Google.com. On the upper left corner, click on "Gmail" and follow the prompts for setting up your account. Be sure to verify your gmail before going to step #2.

2. After setting up your Gmail, go to Blogger: https://www.blogger.com/start

3. Log in with your Gmail URL--for example, MyG@gmail.com. Use your gmail password.

4. On successful login, you will see your "dashboard." On the upper right of the page, click on "Create a Blog."

5. In "Blog Title," name your blog.

6. In the URL box, create your blog address. (You may have to try out a few keywords before you find an available address, one that is not already in use by another blogger.) For example, your new address will look something like http://ceapoetry.blogspot.com.

7. Once you have created your blog address, fill out "word verification" by copying the image letters provided by blogger. This is a nuisance, but Blogger does this to deter "spam" blogs created by automatic bots.

If you can't read the image, don't worry; just fill out what you think it is. Blogger will offer you a new image if you get it wrong.

8. For now, ignore "Advanced Options," and click on "Continue" (large orange arrow).

9. Choose a template. (If you don't like the one you selected, don't worry; you can always change it later.)

10. Start posting, by creating some text and, perhaps, posting a photo.

11. Once you have completed your post, you can either publish it or save as a draft. For your first post, Ms Please suggests that you publish it so that you can see how it looks.

12. View Blog.

13. On the upper right, Go to "Customize."

14. On the customize page, see tabs on left; go to "Settings." You will see your Blog Title. You may change this title at any time.

15. Write a short description of your blog.

16. Set your other settings as you wish (options will be self-explanatory).

17. Now go to "comments" tab--this is important to set up as soon as possible so that you can avoid spam and porn comments. Ms Please suggests embedded comments and setting up "comment moderation," which means that all posts are subject to your prior approval, and "word verification," which will circumvent the automatic spam bots.

18. To edit posts, go to the posting tab. You will see a new posting box. To edit an existing post, click on "Edit Posts." You will see a list of your posts. On the post you wish to edit, click on "edit." When you have completed your editing, click on "publish."

19. The best way to learn Blogger is to use it extensively and learn from your mistakes. But if you need immediate help, go to "Dashboard" (upper right on your blogger account).

20. On your dashboard, go to "Help" (upper right). You will find a list of help topics.
You are now officially a blogger who is publishing on the web. Depending on your interests, you may create more than one blog, or you may concentrate on one major blog.It's totally up to you!

Aunt Savvy

Aunt Savvy Offers Advice to Herself

2009-02-03T19:24:00.000-08:00

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Aunt Savvy offers a piece of sage advice for herself:

Yes, you were disappointed today when an important professional opportunity did not pan out; however, another door opened, and you would do well to walk through it.

Do not sweat the small stuff; move on and onward.

Advice: "My Daughter Has Come Out as a Lesbian"

2009-02-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

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Question:

My only child Shelly has just announced that she's a Lesbian and has been in a five-year live-in relationship with Mary, her "best friend" from childhood.

Although we knew that Shelly and Mary were sharing a house, my husband and I had no idea about their real relationship and were totally blindsided.

My husband is beside himself with anger and has announced to various family members that he no longer has a daughter. What's more, he has banned Shelly from our home.

I, too, am heartsick at this news--no large wedding and no grand babies--just our small family and not even that if my daughter can't even come home.

But I still love and will always love Shelly, no matter what, and I want to be there for her and help her through her father's rejection.

What should I do?

--Distraught Mother

Answer:

Dear Distraught Mother,

Whenever a child comes out, it is often a great shock to the family. Even in these enlightened times, for various reasons, some Gays and Lesbians are still reluctant to announce their sexuality, so when someone does come out, it is a big deal.

It may be that once your husband settles down and begins absorbing the shock of this news, he may begin the difficult job of accepting this news.

And you can help by starting with yourself.

First of all, keep in mind that homosexuality is not a choice; mature people do not suddenly decide one day that they are Gay or Lesbian. This makes sense, for who would willingly decide to be homosexual, given that it still seems to cause much distress in families? So accept the fact that your daughter is what she says she is; in other words, she is not likely to change her mind and decide that she is heterosexual (It does happen, but it is rare and usually a conscious decision based on religious beliefs),

Second, get over the notion that your family line stops here; many Gay and Lesbian couples are opting for adoption or even artificial insemination. Even if Shelly and Mary decide to remain childless, keep in mind that some traditional couples opt not to have children at all.

You have already decided to throw your full support to your daughter, but you do not have to do this alone.

Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) , a non-profit support group, is designed to help families and friends to navigate the confusion and shock of their loved ones' homosexuality. It is likely that a chapter of PFLAG is active in your area--just check on the PFLAG website.

Now, about your husband. Should he decide to cut your daughter off forever, there is not much you can do about it. However, Ms Please suspects that he will eventually come around, but his turnaround will begin with you and how you approach him. Let him know that while he is upset, you will continue maintaining a relationship with Shelly and her partner. However, in the early stages, allow him some time to get accustomed to Shelly's status. Do not force a relationship between father and daughter but it allow to occur naturally. Unless he is totally unreasonable, he will come around.

Good luck!

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Note: This is not a real question, but a what-if scenario based on a possible family problem. Aunt Savvy will always disclose when a question is based on a scenario.

Aunt Savvy would be pleased to consider answering your real questions for this site.

If you you would like to add anything or don't like Aunt Savvy's advice, comment to this post.
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Advice: Taking Grandchildren to Disney World

2009-01-30T14:22:00.000-08:00

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Question:

Dear Aunt Savvy,

We're taking our four-year-old granddaughter to Orlando, where we will be spending two weeks. We plan to spend a total of five non-consecutive days at Disney World and do other activities the rest of the time.

The child's parents will not be accompanying us, so my husband and I will be responsible for her care and safety.

I have to admit: I'm really nervous about this trip because we have never spent an extended amount of time with our granddaughter, who is a very active and high maintenance child.

What are some suggestions for helping to keep her happy and entertained?

--Nervous Nana

Answer:

Dear Nervous Nana,

Funny you should ask.

Aunt Savvy recently returned from the House that the Mouse built, having been accompanied by her feisty grandchild.

It is quite understandable that you are nervous; young children, by their very nature, are high maintenance, so it will pay to prepare beforehand. And both you and child will need some time to adjust to each other, so Aunt Savvy's first piece of advice: plan to spend Day 1 of your trip chilling out, perhaps splashing around in the hotel swimming pool or engaging in another low-impact activity.

Aunt Savvy is relieved to know that your trip is stretched out over a two-week period; while Disney is a lot of fun, it is also a very intense visual and auditory experience. Families often do not realize this and try to cram in five consecutive Disney days, returning home needing a vacation from their vacations. Your idea of spending every other day at the park is a good one, and you are fortunate that you are able to do this.

Before departing from home, go to AAA for special deals on tickets and parking on the Disney lot; you will still have to pay to park, but you may get a deal that will get you close to the park entrance. While you are at AAA, pick up a guidebook to Florida (or California if you're going to Disneyland). They also sell, at a discount to members, good guides specific to Disney.

Children love Disney and the Disney characters and will squeal with glee at the prospect of meeting Goofy, Donald and Mickey; however, the reality is more complicated. First of all, children embrace the familiar, and being away from Mom and Dad for an extended period can be disorienting. So be sure to pack some favorite toys, portable DVD player, and DVDs. You may end up watching Peter Pan 95 times, but such is the price for traveling with a youngster.

If possible, plan your trip for the "off" season, avoiding, at all costs, the week between Christmas and New Year's.

No matter when you go, the park is often very crowded and wait times for attractions can be up to 90 minutes. In addition, the various parks are sprawled out, requiring much walking, all of it on concrete. Your job, then, is to lessen the impact of Disney's dark side, mostly having to do with tired, cranky, scared, bawling, and hungry children.

Oh. And bushed grandparents.

So here are some tips:
1. Wear comfortable shoes and clothing. While it may be tempting to dress your little princess in a princess dress and princess shoes, don't do it. Trust Aunt Savvy on this one. If Princess must dress up, bring regular clothes for her. In the winter, bring light jackets; it can get cold at night, and buying jackets in the park can be expensive. Bring a favorite toy for your granddaughter and sunglasses for everyone.

2. Bring portable snacks, such as raisins, trail mix, cookies, and/or granola bars. Don't carry whole fruit; Disney offers fresh fruit, about $1.00 per piece. It is worth paying a little extra not having to lug around heavy, water-laden food. Plan to eat at least two meals in the park. Yes, it is expensive, but this a once-in-a-lifetime trip, so just pull out that credit card and close your eyes.

3. Bring or rent a stroller in park. Yes, she's a big girl now, but you will use it. A lot. If nothing else, you will have a place to put all your purchases, but Aunt Savvy would be willing to bet $50 that your little girl will take a nap some time during the day. Remember: your granddaughter has shorter legs than you, and as she tries to keep up with you, she will tire quickly.

4. In the summer and on warm days, bring a bottle of water, frozen if you have a freezer in your hotel room. The ice will melt fast, offering you at least a few hours of cold liquid. You can always refill the bottle at a water fountain, so drink up.

5. Bring a small camera or get a photo card from a Disney character. When your grandchild visits a character, a photographer snaps a picture and then scans your card. Later, you can access your character photos from the Disney website.

Aunt Savvy took a Flip camera and filmed the following scene:
Not bad for a video camera that fits in the palm of your hand.

6. At the park, get a FastPass for the most popular attraction; you will be assigned a time that will allow you to be admitted ahead of the folks not having FastPasses. If you arrive at the park early enough, you can often get another FastPass, but you have to wait about three hours before receiving another one.

7. Plan to eat during non-peak times; otherwise, you will encounter long food lines and harried food servers. Instead, spend traditional meal times hitting attractions, when the lines are smaller because everyone is eating or trying to eat.

Aunt Savvy adores 2:00 p.m for lunch and 7:30 - 8:00 p.m. for dinner. Hence, the snacks you have packed to tide you over--but do allow for some ice cream, which can be purchased from carts.

The secret to having a positive Disney experience: don't follow the crowd; go to the attractions that have the shortest waiting times, posted at each attraction.

8. Don't buy souvenirs in the park; you can often find the same stuff much cheaper at Wal-Mart and the various souvenir shops all along U.S. Highway 192. Best of all, you won't have to lug "stuff" all over.

9. As the day wears on, the crowds tend to thin out; this is when to hit the popular attractions you have missed.

10. Leave the park about 30 minutes before closing--you'll avoid much of the rush to catch the monorail or ferry back to the parking lot.
On a side note:

If possible, check out Old Town, a kind of outdoor mall that offers something for everyone; this funky and cool place even offers a small amusement park--with little or no waiting times. For grandpa, there are car shows and Friday and Saturday nights. (NOTE: Aunt Savvy is not affiliated with Old Town, nor is she paid to advertise or plug it. She just loves hanging out there when she is on vacation.)

Collage of Old Town
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For your off days, there is plenty to do in the Orlando/Kissimme areas: shopping, miniature golf, water sports, antique hunting. Your AAA Guide can offer you more specific ideas for activities.

Have fun, and take some time to relax.

Splash!

________________________________________________________________

Note: This is not a real question, but a what-if scenario based on a possible family problem. Aunt Savvy will always disclose when a question is based on a scenario.

Aunt Savvy would be pleased to consider answering your real questions for this site.

If you you would like to add anything or don't like Aunt Savvy's advice, comment to this post.

(Comments are moderated, so please don't double post.)
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Advice to U.S. Citizens Regarding President Obama

2009-01-25T11:00:00.000-08:00

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Now almost a week after the Presidential Inauguration, U.S. citizens need to consider how they will navigate an Obama presidency.

A week ago, Aunt Savvy offered advice to President Obama; now, U.S. citizens, it's your turn. She offers three categories of advice: To (1) "The One" Advocates; (2) "The Middletons," those who may have offered lukewarm support to either Obama or McCain during the election, but who have decided to stand behind our president, albeit with open eyes; and (3) "Not the One" Detractors who plan to crawl into a big hole until 2012 or 2016.

Aunt Savvy Disclaimer: she is an avid Barack Obama supporter, so this advice pertains to her as well, mostly under the first category as she tries to dip into category two.

"The One" Advocates

With all due respect to Oprah (who seems to be the one who coined "The One" as it pertains to President Obama), those who fall into this category need to take off their blinders.

Aunt Savvy is convinced that while this intelligent and thoughtful president has the best of intentions, he will make mistakes. BIG ones. It comes with the job. He will also make GREAT decisions, but know the difference, and be prepared to take the President to task for his fumbles.

Contrary to popular belief, President Obama does not walk on water. He is not God, but a human being subject to human frailty. Also, he is likely to enact legislation you might not like; you're not going to agree with every decision he makes, nor should you. In fact, it would be dangerous if a majority turned a blind eye if a charismatic leader turned bad.

As citizens, we should retain and even embrace our watchdog privilege.

Although it might be tempting to refer to President Obama as our African-American president, keep in mind that he represents ALL Americans. Thus, if he makes a decision that seems to "go against" African-American issues, please remember that he is trying to make the best decisions for the country as a whole.

If "The One" disappoints you (and he will), don't blindly turn against him; allow him to make his mistakes, and, most important, learn to forgive. Remember: we are often most hurt by the people we adore the most.

Don't automatically dismiss all conservatives; they are not wrong all of the time or even most of the time. Listen to some of the more moderate conservatives--they offer some good talking points.

Avoid Bloviators from either the far left or the far right. Talk radio and newspapers are full of "haters," those who hate just for the sake of demonizing "the other side."

If you slip into The Middletons category, that is not necessarily a bad thing, unless you're Michelle Obama or other Obama family member. That simply means that you have become more realistic in your expectations.

The Middletons

You are already doing the right things because you have decided to give our new president a chance to prove himself and support him, at least for now.

If you voted for President Obama, you did so with some reluctance. In the end, you may have felt that of two choices, he offered the best possibility for success. Or maybe your vote was more "against" the Republicans than "for" Obama. In any case, your support was waffly.

If you voted for Senator John McCain, it wasn't because you disliked Obama; maybe you just felt Obama was too inexperienced or that the Republicans (without George Bush) offered the best hope for this country. Now, however, you are willing to make the best of the situation by giving the President a chance to prove himself.

Good for you; you, as a Middleton, have an opportunity to make a difference and keep an eye on this administration with an open mind. You're the ones your legislators will take seriously because YOU are likely to decide the presidency in 2012.

Important: keep in touch with your legislators and your local press about the issues closest to you, but do so in a respectful and intelligent manner. SIGN your letters; your words will have more clout if you stand behind them.

Avoid Bloviators from either the far left or the far right. Talk radio and newspapers are full of "haters," those who hate just for the sake of demonizing "the other side."

"Not the One" Detractors

Okay, you didn't vote for President Obama, and you will never like Democrats, especially liberals. What is more, you dislike President Obama, and the idea of supporting him makes you sick on your stomach. (Aunt Savvy understands that feeling; 2001-2008 were difficult years for her.)

However, the next four years are likely to be better for you if decide to give our president a fighting chance to prove himself. He WILL do some things right; just keep your ears open, and don't assume that every utterance is against conservatives.

Don't assume that every piece of legislation is going to hurt conservatives; do your research.

Although it might be tempting to refer to President Obama as an African-American president, keep in mind that he represents ALL Americans. Thus, if he makes a decision that seems to "go against" your ethnic group, please remember that he is trying to make the best decisions for the country as a whole.

Choose your battles; write your legislators and your local press about the issues closest to you, but do so in a respectful and intelligent manner. SIGN your letters; your words will have more clout if you stand behind them. If you feel uncomfortable signing your letters, rewrite until you do. Otherwise, you're just blowing hot air, and no one will take you seriously.

Don't automatically dismiss all liberals; they are not wrong all of the time or even most of the time. Listen to some of the more moderate liberals--they can offer some good talking points.

Avoid Bloviators from either the far left or the far right. Talk radio and newspapers are full of "haters," those who hate just for the sake of demonizing "the other side."

In summary, be prepared to support the presidency as much as you can; however, do pay attention to President Barack Obama's policies and how he enacts them.

Most important, stay informed.
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1960's Advice From "Miss Coldfax"

2009-01-18T09:43:00.000-08:00

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Caption: "Dear Miss Coldfax, my boyfriend was told he needs eyeglasses, I HATE eyeglasses, but I love him--should I leave him if he gets them?"
________________________________________________________

Aunt Savvy found this cartoon, "This Funny World," by Tom de Angelo (published circa 1966-1967), amongst her childhood memorabilia.

This cartoon is less humorous now than it might have been back then. In fact, in these sensitive times, this bit of biting humor is downright offensive.

Obviously, the implication is that a beauty-challenged woman could snag only a blind boyfriend.

Of course, the mythical "Miss Coldfax" could not actually see the young woman asking for advice about the boyfriend who needs glasses, but she would probably arrive at some accurate conclusions.

First off, Miss C. would wonder why the letter writer would want her lover to go through life practically blind; at the very least, she would think her young correspondent was a few bricks short of a building.

Sooner or later, Miss C. would figure out what was bugging the woman and would probably start her answer with some questions:

Why would you want to deprive someone you love the opportunity to see the world? Are you hiding something? Are you unattractive? Are you fat?

After posing those questions, Miss C. would offer this "helpful" advice:

Of course your boyfriend should get eyeglasses. If you are hiding a physical deficiency from your boyfriend, then you need to admit it; you wouldn't want to wait until he can see you with absolute clarity, now would you?

In any case, expect him to be shocked and angry. If you have prepared him properly, he may agree to remain with you, but on the condition that you work diligently on improving your looks and (if necessary) losing weight.

Then stick to your beauty regimen.

However, don't be surprised if he leaves you outright, and who could blame him?

Fast forward to Aunt Savvy's advice:

While Aunt Savvy cannot condone your hiding some important facts from your boyfriend, she understands why you did it. But now you're going to have to reveal the truth.

In your heart, you understand that your boyfriend needs glasses and that he will get them, no matter how you feel about it. In fact, you should be excited and supportive!

Aunt Savvy suspects that you may view yourself as unattractive and/or overweight, which may or may not be the case. However, even if it's true, your boyfriend has a good idea of how you look and feel to him. After all, he is not totally blind. It appears he loves you and your personality and accepts you as is.

Aunt Savvy is not going to offer you beauty or diet tips; if your boyfriend truly loves you, he will accept you the way you are, even if you have a prominent overbite and are slightly on the portly side. If he doesn't, you will at least find out now (instead of later) that he's shallow and a cad--in that case, you would be better off without him.

But Aunt Savvy does not believe this for one minute.

Before leading him off to the optician, tell him (jokingly, of course), "I might not look like the girl you fell in love with."

He will probably laugh and let you know how beautiful he thinks you are.

Now go with him and help him pick out those eyeglass frames!

Hmmmmmm! Now why did Aunt Savvy save that clipping all these years?
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Advice to Our New President

2009-01-17T13:59:00.000-08:00

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Dear Mr. Barack Obama,

As your last week as an ordinary citizen comes to a close, Aunt Savvy would like to offer you some general advice for the next four to eight years.

Throughout the media, you have solicited advice from the populace, so Aunt Savvy is confident that you will read this or other advice columns like this.

Aunt Savvy voted for you, but even if she hadn't, she would still offer advice to you. Also, just because she voted for you in 2008 does not mean she will necessarily vote for you in 2012. She admires and respects you, but she will always give her precious vote to the candidate best suited to the presidency. She is not alone in this opinion.

She offers you 10 pieces of political advice:

1. Keep in touch with the American people; unlike during the campaign, you will find yourself becoming increasingly isolated from the electorate. Part of this will be unavoidable, given security concerns. But you can still take the pulse of the American people by keeping up with their issues and concerns. For example, never forget the cost of a gallon of milk or gas, even though you, as President, will purchase neither for yourself and your family.

2. Never forget your "team of rivals" platform. Sometimes rivals and enemies can offer you better insights than your friends, who often won't tell you what they really think. Even when you don't agree, listen carefully to well-respected independents and Republicans, for example, former rival John McCain and other moderates, no matter what party. Aunt Savvy reluctantly suggests that you also keep one ear open to radicals from both the right and left, although they tend to shriek, rather than discuss. But they, too, are citizens worthy of your presidential consideration.

Related to this: don't retain team members (even if they are your friends) who become "toxic," either through political scandal or illegal activities.

Before making important and history-changing decisions, bring together your team of rivals along with rivals not on your team, and before making important and controversial decisions, listen to their arguments. Weigh all aspects carefully. In the end, it will be your decision, but if you follow your good instincts, this country be okay, even when you make mistakes.

3. Once you make a decision, implement it with confidence (not arrogance). Don't waffle. Never base important decisions on popularity polls; you have access to top secret information the average citizen does not. Just make the best possible decision, and it will work out okay.

4. However, if you make a decision that later turns out to be wrong, admit it; we are a very forgiving nation that realizes you are human and subject to human frailties.

5. Listen to the Secret Service; they know best how to protect you and your family. If only JFK had listened to the Secret Service on that fateful day in 1963 and agreed to having that bubble placed on his limousine, history might have turned out very differently.

While having Secret Service around 24/7 may be an annoyance, they are there to protect you from those who would harm or kill you and your family. Your life is too important to the country, its national security, and its morale.

6. Develop a stellar but arm's-length relationship with the press, and don't favor certain reporters over others. While it is tempting to befriend friendly reporters who think like you, always keep in mind that they are paid to write about your presidency and your actions: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Make sure that you and your people do not dole out "scoops" to select journalists. Also, manipulate the press at your own peril; don't float "trial balloons" to the press because they and their readers will know it.

7. Spend your political capital wisely; as your presidency progresses, you will slowly bleed political capital. As party ranks begin closing once again, this will be inevitable.

8. Cherish and follow our constitution; use presidential powers carefully and never with bitterness and revenge or in anger.

9. Remain confident, but humble; you earned this office through hard campaigning, but your campaign workers, donors, and the American voters have made it so. Continue addressing the American people in a respectful manner.

Your transition period has been nearly flawless, so Aunt Savvy has no reason to believe your demeanor will change--this is just a reminder.

10. Pay attention to international issues, and PLEASE do not start wars for specious reasons. While we are the United States of America, a country that holds great sway in the world arena, keep in mind that there are other nations with differing viewpoints. And at the moment, we are not very popular with other countries.

One piece of personal advice:

Keep your family close, and do not allow the headiness of your high office to go to your head.

No doubt: pretty and smart women, young and even older, will throw themselves at you, and it might be tempting. However, your job is to shoo them away politely and firmly.

Spend quality time with Michelle and your girls Sasha and Malia--and that future puppy.

Aunt Savvy knows that family is everything, and that is what you will have left once the power of the presidency passes on to the 45th president.

Aunt Savvy will watch your inauguration festivities with great interest and excitement, but on January 21, 2009, she expects you to report for work by 9:00 a.m.

Let's get this country back on the right track.

Sincerely,

Aunt Savvy
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Unsolicited Advice: Public Body Odor

2008-12-30T21:47:00.000-08:00

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So when Aunt Savvy was about ten years old, her grandmother pointed directly at her and announced (in front of a roomful of company):

"You STINK!"
Alas, it was true. It was mid-July in the sultry Midwest, and young Aunt Savvy stunk to high heaven. Being at an age when a dab of deodorant would have done wonders in keeping the living room aroma-free, Aunt Savvy had decided she did NOT need such grown-up foolishness.

The terse announcement was a room stopper, as all eyes drilled on the girl with the sopping half circles under her arms.

That public humiliation was enough to send this youngster running for the Secret roll-on. From that day onward, Aunt Savvy never failed to add those daily dabs to the pits.

Fast forward to present day: recently, Aunt Savvy was shopping in Big Box Store, going about her business when, suddenly, she caught a whiff of something distinctly unpleasant.

She looked around: no one but her and her significant other for at least three aisles. Aunt Savvy was pretty sure they had both showered that day...

Besides, the odor was more than just a little sweat; it was the aroma of, well, bodily fluids and solids, mixed with unwashed body and sweat.

The smell was beginning to permeate throughout the store.

As Aunt Savvy left the store, she discovered the source of the odor: a woman with greasy, stringy hair and dirty clothes. By this time, the odor was so bad that Aunt Savvy was tempted to pinch her nose; this was the smell of the great unwashed, years and years of avoiding soap and water. This wasn't a case of working out or working out in the fields and not being able to shower before hitting the store to buy a computer.

No. This smell was pungent and skunk-like, deeply ingrained, a part of the woman's every fiber, and it left an awful trail, straight to Aunt Savvy's nose.

The woman's family was with her and did not seem to notice a thing (???). Meanwhile, Aunt Savvy was gagging. She wanted to tap the woman on the shoulder and say,

"You STINK!"
Of course, etiquette demands that one does not call out unpleasant facts to strangers.

So Aunt Savvy will offer her some unsolicited advice here:

Take regular showers or baths and use plenty of soap and water. Scrub. It doesn't haven't to be daily ritual, but part of a regular routine--at least every other day. Not only will you feel better, but so will everyone around you; your loved ones deserve that from you. Heck, the PUBLIC deserves NOT having to smell you three aisles away.

We live in a culture where certain bodily odors are offensive; you can get away with a little sweat or the smell of automotive grease. People understand that working people cannot always get home to shower before hitting the store--they understand that those are the smells of honest and hard labor.

But you, anonymous lady, are simply stinky and offensive. You smell of pee and poo and layered grime and grit--there is no use sugarcoating it.

Aunt Savvy does not wish to be cruel; she genuinely feels sorry for you and understands that you do not intentionally mean to assault her nose, but you have failed miserably in the art of social graces when you refuse to wash your body properly.

To the lady's family: it is clear that your loved one needs some kind of psychological counseling; the woman's lack of cleanliness suggests a deep-rooted problem of some kind, way beyond your and Aunt Savvy's milieu. In our culture, it is not acceptable to present, in public, one's self in such a distasteful state. An intervention of some kind would be in order.

Seriously.

We are way past the era when homemade lye soap and the Saturday night bath (whether you need it or not) are all you need to navigate polite (and even impolite) company.

Loved ones: please help her. She sorely needs it.

Please help the public.
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Advice: The Wedding--Who Should Foot the Bill?

2008-12-29T09:47:00.000-08:00

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Henry and Anita Siegel's 1937 Wedding (Aunt Savvy's in-laws)
_________________________________________________________________
Question:

My daughter Angie and her fiance Michael have just announced that they are engaged and plan to get married in two years. When I asked why they were waiting so long--they have been living together for the past two years--Angie said, "I want to have the wedding of my dreams, and we want to give you and Dad some time to save up for it."

Aunt Savvy, I know that all the etiquette books tell you that the bride's parents are responsible for hosting the wedding, but I was taken aback. Of course we want Angie to have a very special day, but my husband and I are struggling to send three children through college (they all work and contribute toward their books and tuition, but still, most of their expenses fall on us). We have already funded Angie's education and would like to offer the other children the same benefit. To "host" an expensive wedding would really set us back for years, especially in this shaky economy; on a day to day basis, we don't even know if we'll be keeping our jobs.

We would love to host a simple reception in our church hall; I'm even willing to cook the food myself and bake the cake (or have the local supermarket do it), and I know my sisters would help out with decorations and wedding dress, but Angie has her heart set on the most expensive hotel ballroom and caterer in town, and the wedding dress she wants will cost low four figures.

But Angie wants what she wants.

How can I tell Angie that if she wants a lavish wedding and designer wedding gown, she and Michael will have to pay for it themselves?

--My Name is Not Money-bags

Answer:

While Aunt Savvy finds most rules of etiquette chock full of common sense, she wishes to rewrite them when it comes to the modern wedding and who pays for what. Current wedding etiquette is premised on the social construct that a daughter is a liability who needs to be married off ASAP, so to finalize the acceptance of the liability being passed to the bridegroom's family, a dowry is paid to his family. Moreover, the bride's family is expected to host the ceremony and reception, which signifies the closing of the deal: the bride now belongs to the bridegroom's family.

Hummm. This premise is definitely at odds with the modern liberated young woman who has come a long way, baby.

That aside, for the sake of argument, let's assume that on some level this custom is still relevant and that you will be expected to foot the bill. How you decide to foot it and how much you have to spend should be up to you and your husband, not your petulant daughter.

Aunt Savvy has been around long enough to remember wedding receptions taking place in church or fire halls, with the Ladies' Auxiliary hosting and catering them. The rice was still thrown, the pictures taken by a friend or uncle, the food often very good, the booze still flowing, the DJ a high school kid and a record player hooked up to a microphone, and wedding cake smashed into each other's faces, but on a much lower budget.

Sigh. Those days seem to be gone forever; young women these days seem to plan and spend more for The Wedding Day, which is more like a major choreographed production, and less for the marriage itself, which is probably one reason why so many marriages seem to fail. One wonders if young couples really sit down to discuss important issues, such as religion, children, finances, politics, interests, and how their overall goals and values mesh.

But Aunt Savvy digresses.

In your case, a return to these simpler values might be in order. Certainly, Not Money-bags, you and your husband should sit down and decide how much you can afford. Then the two of you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your daughter and fiance and offer to host the wedding and reception on a budget. As you show your maximum number, do so with firm kindness. Just say something like, "We're happy to help out to the extent that we can do so without going into debt and depriving your brothers and sisters."

If Angie insists that she must have the wedding of her dreams, then let her know that she and Michael will be paying for it and that you will give your maximum as a money gift. If you have raised your daughter right, she will understand and accept these conditions. If not, again in calm voice, repeat your terms and suggest that she and Michael talk it over and crunch the numbers for themselves. Remind her how much you love her and how much you wish you could give more.

Once Angie and Michael realize the costs involved, they may rethink your offer to scale back the extravaganza and involve you in the planning. But if they don't and proceed on their own, you may have to step back and allow them to plan their wedding without your help--that is, unless you're asked specifically for advice.

Of course, if Michael's family is well-heeled and offers to pay, Aunt Savvy sees no reason why you should refuse. However, even if you know that his family is rich, do not approach your daughter's future in-laws or even Michael with this suggestion. Chances are, Michael will know best if he should ask his wealthy parents for wedding funds. It could be that they are steeped deep in tradition and would be mortified if their friends knew they were asked to pay for the wedding.

For those of you who are planning your own weddings, there are ways to cut expenses:
--Elope ("The Golden Ladder"). Kidding aside...

--Rent your wedding dress, or have it made by a crafty family member who may be happy to do this as your wedding present. Certainly better than that re-gifted toaster she was planning to palm off on you.

--Arrange to marry during off season; reception hall rentals tend to be cheaper in January than in June.

--Have your local supermarket bake the cake--they often do a fantastic job at the fraction of the cost.

--Have your local supermarket arrange your flowers for the reception tables.

--Create your own wedding favors for guests.
Don't skimp on
--Wedding photography and video recording.

--DJ services (a professional is less likely to run afoul of copyright laws regarding the commercial use of music).

--Floral sprays for the bride and corsages for the bride, groom, parents, and grandparents.
Finally, Aunt Savvy would like to share a memory:

She and her first husband were dirt poor, and her future in-laws had four children still at home; in addition, her own parents were dead set against the marriage.

Her wedding and reception took place at her home. Her future mother-law-baked the cake, a lemon sponge cake with lemon icing, topped off by a real yellow rose. It was a hot day, and the cake started listing to the side. The rose and part of the icing slid off onto the cake plate. By cake-cutting time, the top layer was half off and definitely lopsided, a little like the Tower of Pisa.

But you know what? Although the marriage didn't last, she will always remember that cake with fondness because it was made with loving hands, not some impersonal baker. In fact, Aunt Savvy still admires her ex-mother-in-law, although she has not been married to her son since 1980.

So, dear readers, when all is said and done, The Wedding Day reception is just an overblown party. The most important aspect should be the marriage itself, which (if approached properly) will join together two people who are totally committed to making their union work and raising lovely children.

________________________________________________________

Note: This is not a real question, but a what-if scenario based on a possible family problem. Aunt Savvy will always disclose when a question is based on a scenario.

Aunt Savvy would be pleased to consider answering your real questions for this site.

If you you would like to add anything or don't like Aunt Savvy's advice, comment to this post (Comments are moderated, so please don't double post).

Advice: Grandparents "Invoiced" for Their Grand Children's College Education

2008-12-26T10:40:00.000-08:00

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Question:

After spending a festive and joyous Christmas Day with our daughter Emily, son-in-law Joshua, and our adorable grandchildren (a boy and a girl), my daughter handed me an envelope.

"We're giving these out to all the grandparents," Emily said.

Emily explained that the great grandparents would be receiving these as well, all of whom are retired and on fixed incomes. "This will lessen the pain for all of us," my daughter said.

Inside was a $10,000 invoice for each child, to be paid in monthly increments to college funds set up by my daughter. The first installment would be due by January 1, in less than a week!

While we fully intend to help out with our grand children's education, this amount was a shock to my husband and me. While we are financially comfortable, we are by no means rich, and we are currently saving extra for retirement, at least 10 years away.

As if Emily had read my mind, she suggested that we could always dip into our retirement account savings account for our share.

I was so stunned that without saying a word I simply tucked the "invoice" into my purse, and we left shortly after that.

My husband thinks we should just go along with Emily's plan, but I disagree; I don't appreciate being told what to do by my adult child.

Besides, taking $20,000 out of our retirement fund would most certainly create a financial hardship during our golden years.

What do you think?

--Stunned Grandma

Answer:

Personally, Aunt Savvy feels Emily is being presumptuous and that you are absolutely under no obligation to contribute the specified amount prescribed by your daughter. In fact, you are under no obligation to contribute anything to your grand children's college accounts.

While it might be tempting to tell Emily to take her invoice and stick it somewhere else, you should refrain. You need to make clear to her about the extent (and limitations) of your support, but do so in a reasonable manner. Your daughter has acted in a boorish manner, but she is still your daughter and your access to your grandchildren.

Under no circumstances, should you punish the children for actions perpetuated by their mother; they own no guilt in this situation.

Given that you do intend to contribute something to their college funds, you and your husband need to sit down and crunch the hard numbers. You need to make clear to him that you are not happy with the extortion tactics practiced by your daughter and that you have no intention of accepting her billing scheme. He should be aware that your daughter is engaging in a form of familial blackmail, setting an ugly precedent for future interactions; if Emily is allowed to get away with this now, what is going to happen when the children need braces or surgery? Will you be receiving a "invoice" for that as well?

And what happens if you contribute what your daughter demands and your nest egg comes up short? Will Emily and Joshua then support you and your husband in your old age?

Not likely.

After you agree on an amount, then you need to talk to Emily and Joshua and let them know that you cannot pay this invoice, that any contributions to the college fund must be voluntary and at your discretion; moreover, any payments will be subject to adjustments should your financial circumstances change.

Be polite, but be firm; if Emily does not act in a reasonable manner, simply end the conversation and leave. Then try again until she can sit down with you for an adult conversation.

Instead of contributing to the parents' fund, you might consider setting up a grandparent's account for your grandchildren. That way, you would have complete control over the money until your grandchildren need it. You never know what might happen between your daughter and son-in-law and what would occur during a divorce action.

Each state has its own rules regarding college funds, so speak to an hourly-fee financial planner for advice (one who does not earn a commission on any financial instrument he/she sells). Get references from your credit union and/or trusted friends, and plan to invest only in safe financial instruments.

You mentioned that the great grandparents have also received invoices; while you cannot decide for them or pry into their financial situations, you should speak with both sets of parents (yours and your husband's), just to make sure that they have not been bullied into this billing scheme. If they choose to buy into this bullying, there isn't much you can do, but at least you will feel better knowing that you have made the effort to inform them.

On a final note, a piece of unsolicited advice: Aunt Savvy has discovered that college students who pay at least part of their own expenses do much better academically because they feel more invested in the process. Your daughter and son-in-law should be teaching their children the value of saving for their own educations, but if they can't or won't do it, perhaps you should consider filling in by having the grandchildren earn some money by doing some odd jobs for you and having them save part of their earnings in a special piggy bank (kept at your house) for each child.

Good luck!

___________________________________________________________
Note: This is not a real question, but a what-if scenario based on a possible family problem. Aunt Savvy will always disclose when a question is based on a scenario.

Aunt Savvy would be pleased to consider answering your real questions for this site.
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Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus (1897 and 2008)

2008-12-24T14:16:00.000-08:00

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Virginia O'Hanlon
___________________________________________________________________

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.

Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.

Papa says, "If you see it in THE SUN it's so."

Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

VIRGINIA O'HANLON.

115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________
Francis Pharcellus Church
___________________________________________________________________

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

___________________________________________________

Response of Francis Pharcellus Church, The Sun (New York), 1897

Courtesy of

The Newsmuseum

Hymns and Carols of Christmas

Stephanie Coyiuto

___________________________________________________

Yes, Virginia, There is (Still) a Santa Claus
Aunt Savvy reaches back to 1897 and updates, 111 years later, Mr. Church's response to the eight-year-old Virginia:

Dear Virginia,

Your little friends are still wrong, and what the sage Mr. Church so poignantly wrote to you about skepticism also applies in the new millennium.

You would not recognize much of 2008 America.

The world has become a much different place since you were a little girl 111 years ago. We have had several wars, awesome inventions, technological advances, a major depression, several presidents (some great, others not so great), great wealth and heartbreaking poverty, and increasing pollution.

We have had assassinations of great people and unthinkable national disasters. Your beloved newspaper is gone, along with other noted newspapers. The internet is slowing taking over the print medium, so, in 2008, your charming letter would probably be composed on a keyboard and edited on a computer screen, similar to a TV, which you have not experienced, either.

Families have changed with more divorces and co-habitations, a word that probably did not exist in your day. While these may not offer the ideal family structure you have enjoyed, families are managing as best they can. Once positive aspect: young women are no longer shunned or punished if they make a mistake (You'll understand what this means when you grow up).

If you are African-American (and judging by your last name, you are not), you would be especially jubilant at this juncture in history, for as we look forward to our new President's inauguration on January 20, 2009, we now realize that the impossible is no longer impossible. In fact, no matter what your race or ethnic group, our President-elect represents a positive new era in race relations and evolving social constructs.

Yes, Virginia, the year 2008 has been difficult, with rising gas prices, an economic meltdown, lost jobs, and a contentious election season.

However, the end of 2008 offers new promise and hope as we head into 2009.

Aunt Savvy knows for a fact that Santa still exists and will continue to exist. We now have the tools to verify Santa's travels around the world. In your day, you had to accept Santa's existence on the word of your parents and editors, but now we have NORAD, YouTube, and Google Maps to track the portly man in the red suit as he flies around the world, delivering presents and good wishes to children like you. Still, you should continue believing your parents or guardians when they tell you that Santa is alive and well.

Wise people understand that while Santa is a jolly old fellow, Christmas is so much more than piles of expensive presents under the tree, even in our consumerist culture. Christmas is a time when Christians gather together to celebrate the birth of a child over 2,000 years ago. Christmas is also a time when families get together and celebrate their love for each other. As you can see, these important things have not changed since 1897.

Virginia, you may not realize this, but not everybody celebrates Christmas. Our culture has become sensitive to those who celebrate their God in their own way, although Christmas still seems to overwhelm those people who would rather not hear about the festivities on TV and see all the decorations. As a sign of respect, we have learned to say "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings" to people we do not know well, for just about everyone celebrates the New Year.

Christmas, as a Christian holiday, has largely been curtailed as a government-sanctioned holiday. While this may seem shocking and unthinkable to you and your family, you must remember that this country was founded on the tenets that its citizens would enjoy freedom of religion, which also means freedom from a state-sanctioned religion. Good news: those who wish to celebrate their religious holidays still enjoy the freedom to do so; in fact, young people like you practice your religion and holidays, but they also often study about other religious holidays--for example, Muslim, Jewish, Christian, and, yes, pagan holidays.

Virginia, of course there is a Santa; in every religion he exists in some form. He may bear another name and celebrate a different holiday at a different time of year, but as long as we have families and friends to celebrate, Santa will always be in our hearts and minds.

Besides, if he were not so we would have to invent him.

_______________________________________________________

Virgina O'Hanlon Douglas (circa 1960, Perry Como Show)

zefallafez
_______________________________________________________

The 2008 version of "Yes, Virginia, There is (Still) a Santa Claus," is copyright Aunt Savvy (Jennifer Semple Siegel), 2008, and may not be posted or printed without permission from the author.
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Advice: Unwanted Political Spam Forwarded by Family

2008-12-21T18:18:00.000-08:00

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Question:

I dearly love my brother Bill and I know he loves me as well, but we are miles apart politically, and never will we agree.

At family gatherings, we argue constantly; this last election has really driven a wedge between us.

I would just love to put the whole thing to rest, but Bill just can't seem to stop himself. He is constantly forwarding junk spam e-mail to me, mostly about how crooked the Democrats are.

I'm really fed up and would like to stop receiving such mail; in fact, I nearly answered his last spam with an angry e-mail of my own, but at the last minute, I decided to delete it.

How should I handle this?

--Frustrated and Fed up!

Answer:

Alas, Aunt Savvy understands this issue all too well.

Your instincts were correct when you decided not to fire off that angry e-mail to your brother.

You have to ask yourself that all important question: "What do you wish to accomplish by scolding Bill?"

He's not likely to stop sending such e-mails, especially if you overreact.

The best policy here is simply to zap the spam e-mails (unread). Usually, forwarded spam is easy to detect, but should you accidentally click on to such a message, simply delete it as soon as you receive it, and take a deep breath.

In person (or on the telephone), let Bill know that you are very concerned about receiving spam and forwarded messages because of potential viruses and that you generally delete such messages without opening them but that you love receiving personal e-mails containing news about family and friends. Be sure that your tone is upbeat. This may or may not stop the spam, but at least he will know how you feel without his feeling directly threatened.

At family gatherings, don't bring up political issues, and don't allow Bill to goad you into an argument. Many times, such potentially heated discussions can be deflected with humor (not bitter satire or snark) and understanding.

For example, you can always say something like, "Well, Bill, I know we can agree on one thing: we both love our country and family" or "Let's just agree to disagree and leave it at that." And, then, with smile on your face, change the subject to something neutral, like the weather.

You and Bill may never agree on politics, but you can still love and appreciate each other and embrace what you do have in common: family.

__________________________________________________________

Note: This is not a real question, but a what-if scenario based on a common family problem. Aunt Savvy will always disclose when a question is based on a scenario.

Aunt Savvy would be pleased to consider answering your real questions for this site.
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About Aunt Savvy and How Is She Qualified for This Job, Anyway?

2008-12-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

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Question, Submitted by Aunt Savvy, The Doubter:

What gives me, Aunt Savvy, the right to dispense advice? Who appointed me as the Advice Goddess of the Internet?

After all, I have no special credentials in psychology or sociology, and I'm no Ann Landers, Emily Post, or Miss Manners; I'm just some middle-aged chick who has decided to set up shop on the internet and pretend to be an expert in affairs of the human condition...

--The Doubter

Answered by Aunt Savvy, The Supreme Confident:

Whoa! If you're going to write an advice column, you must do so with confidence and verve. You should be ready to take the plunge and make a case for why you are a good candidate for this job.

Your alter ego and The Supreme Confident will explain why you, The Doubter, are qualified for this job:
You have been around for a while and pride yourself on having a good head on your shoulders.

You are compassionate.

You have a sense of humor.

You are not easily shocked--which is not to say that you're never shocked.

You are college educated (which is not to claim that non-college advisers are necessarily lacking in common sense).

You write well, which covers at least 50% of your qualifications.
Why is writing well such a major prerequisite?

There are millions of sensible people who are empathetic and who can make you laugh, but they don't always articulate themselves well in writing.

As a professional writer, you, Aunt Savvy (The Doubter), have the power to explain situations in ways that are easily understood.

And consider this: most advice columnists, such as twins Dear Abby and Ann Landers, got their start at daily newspapers. Other than a college education (1939 graduates of Morningside College in Sioux City, Iowa) and good common sense, Abby and Ann had no specific qualifications to offer advice to a general newspaper audience.

The advice you offer, my dear doubting alter ego, will be just that: advice to be considered by the recipient as one possible option. Whether or not readers choose to follow your advice is out of your hands.

So go forth and dispense your best advice.

--The Supreme Confident

Aunt Savvy, a Jill-of-all-trades, is an educator, creative and blog writer, and business person.

For more detail, here is Aunt Savvy's actual résumé (sans her real name, though it's no huge secret and not at all difficult to find); readers can then decide for themselves if they accept her qualifications as an advice columnist:

_________________________________________________________________

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Aunt Savvy

email

♦

EDUCATION

M.F.A. (Creative Writing), February, 1994, Goddard College, Plainfield, VT. Areas of concentration: fiction and playwriting. Supporting literature field in gender studies.

Graduate study in writing, 1983-84, University of Florida, Gainesville, FL.
B.A., magna cum laude (English), May, 1982, York College of Pennsylvania, York, PA.

A.S. (Accounting), December, 1980, York College of Pennsylvania, York, PA.

Additional Study

Participant, annual poetry workshops with poet Larry Rubin at the College English Association (CEA) conference, 1987-2004.

Drama Writing: From the Producer’s Viewpoint, continuing education course, 1994, New York University, New York.

Intensive study of Macedonian, 1988-1989, private lessons with faculty member of Institute for Foreign Languages, Skopje, Yugoslavia.

Intensive study of Serbo-Croatian, 1988, Eastern European Summer Language Institute, University of Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, PA.

Study in fiction writing under Ann Beattie, 1982, Writing Workshop, Georgetown University, Washington, DC.

EMPLOYMENT

Writing and Literature Instructor, Department of English and Humanities, York College of Pennsylvania (1992-present). Courses taught most recently: African-American Literature, Introduction to Literature, and Creative Writing. Have also taught Journalism, Composition, Advanced Composition, Playwriting, and Interdisciplinary Writing (a course I developed).

Faculty Consultant, Educational Testing Service (ETS), Princeton, NJ (1994-2007). Assess essay portion of ETS tests, including AP, SAT II, and others.

Writing Center Instructor, Department of English and Humanities, York College of Pennsylvania (1987-1994). Consulted with individual students to help them improve their writing abilities and writing quality on specific assignments.

Library Assistant, Schmidt Library, York College of Pennsylvania, York, PA (1984-1987). Performed a wide range of duties in the Circulation and Technical Services departments.

English instructor (graduate assistant), University of Florida, Gainesville, FL (1983-1984). Taught freshman composition.

Newspaper Correspondent, The York Dispatch, York, PA (1980-1981).

PUBLICATIONS

"The Re-feeding Program," excerpt from "The Big Diet" (short story), The Non-Dieting Weblog. 26 February 2006.

"Copyright: Ethics Versus Education in Macedonia," American Writer: Journal of the National Writers Union, UAW/AFL-CIO. Fall 2005. 12. Print and online.

"Persona Grata" (essay), Writer’s Digest Online. 28 April 2005.

Are You EVER Going to be Thin? (and other stories), Infinity Publishing, July 2004.

"You Said It: Worth the $$?" Reader’s Digest. January 2004. 15.

"Résumé" (short story). International Journal for Teachers of English Writing Skills (Special Literary Issue)10.2 (August 2003). 115-117.

"Alan Sillitoe." Concise Dictionary of British Literary Biography. GaleNet Online, 1999.

"Charlotte Perkins (Stetson) Gilman’s The Yellow Wallpaper: Fiction ‘With a Purpose’ and the Need to Know the Real Story." CEA Critic 59.3 (Spring/Summer 1997): 44-57.

"Feet" (short story). Pennsylvania English 19.2 (1994): 53-63.

"Are You EVER Going to be Thin?" (short story). Sleeping with Dionysus: Women, Ecstasy and Addiction. Ed. Kay Marie Porterfield. Freedom, CA: The Crossing Press, 1994. 20-25.

"Alan Sillitoe." British Short-Fiction Writers, 1945-1980. Ed. Dean Baldwin. The Dictionary of Literary Biography. 139. Detroit: Bruccoli Layman Clark, Gale Research Inc., 1994.

"Lady Chatterley’s Evolution from ‘Personality’ to ‘Blood’: The Role of Eight Wild Flowers and the ‘Blood-warmth’ Marriage Ritual." Pennsylvania English 18.2 (1994): 12-27.

"Are You Thin Yet?" (essay). Eating Our Hearts Out: Personal Accounts of Women’s Relationship to Food. Ed. Lesléa Newman. Freedom, CA: The Crossing Press, 1993. 204-206.

"Rendezvous" (short story). Yugoslav English Language Teaching Review 12 (November 1989): 76-77.

Related Writing Activities

Completed I, Driven to Cherokee: memoir of a teen's involuntary commitment, currently working on And God Won, Twin Candy Bings, and Mystical Bodies (novels); Growing Light: an Abbreviated Life (play). Thesis novel: What Happens When the Fat Lady Sings; completed The Trash Can of L.A. and The Fat Lady Sings a cappella (full-length plays).

Edited the English portion of Boris Trajkovski, 1999-2004, by Jason Miko. Skopje (Macedonia): The Boris Trajkovski International Foundation, 2004.

Founder and former editor of Onion River Review, an independent publication of the MFA alumni and graduate students at Goddard College, 1993-1996.

Editor and faculty advisor of The York Review, York College of Pennsylvania literary magazine, 1992-1996.

Edited articles for the Macedonian Review, Skopje, Yugoslavia, 1989.

PROFESSIONAL ACTIVITIES

Administrator/owner of Please? (Please.info), December 2008 - Present.

Administrator/owner of Poets.net forum and blog, March 2008-present.

Administrator/owner, Post Foetry, blog, 2007-present.

Administrator/Moderator at Foetry (now archived), American Poetry Watchdog, 2006-2007.

Reading, "All Along the Campaign Trail" (poem), Fountain of the Muse, 2008 National Council of Teachers of English (NCTE) conference, San Antonio, TX.

Organized Larry Rubin’s Poetry Workshop, 2008 College English Association (CEA) conference, St. Louis, MO.

Organized and facilitated a second poetry workshop, 2008 College English Association (CEA) conference, St. Louis, MO.

Reading, Excerpts (Prologue and Chapter One) from I, Driven: memoir of a teen's involuntary commitment (memoir), Fountain of the Muse, 2007 National Council of Teachers of English (NCTE) conference, New York, NY.

Organized Larry Rubin’s Poetry Workshop, 2007 College English Association (CEA) conference, New Orleans, LA.

Organized and facilitated a second poetry workshop, 2007 College English Association (CEA) conference, New Orleans, LA.

Black History Month Lecture/Film, February 2007, Their Eyes Were Watching God, The American Corner, Skopje, Macedonia.

Organized Larry Rubin’s Poetry Workshop, 2006 College English Association (CEA) conference, San Antonio, TX.

Organized and facilitated a second poetry workshop, 2006 College English Association (CEA) conference, San Antonio, TX.

Reading, "2001 Ivar Street," excerpt from Driven to Cherokee: a memoir of involuntary commitment, 2006 College English Association (CEA) conference, San Antonio, TX.

Reading, selected excerpts from Driven to Cherokee: a memoir of involuntary commitment, 2006 Pennsylvania College English Association (PCEA) conference, Pittsburgh, PA.

Moderator, 2006 Pennsylvania College English Association (PCEA) conference, Pittsburgh, PA.

Lecture, with question-and-answer session, to prospective college students, "Enrolling in American Colleges," The American Corner, Skopje, Macedonia, January 2006.

Reading, "Horny Women at the Sewing Factory" (poem), Fountain of the Muse, 2005
National Council of Teachers of English (NCTE) conference, Pittsburgh, PA.

Reading, "Rudy," excerpt from Driven to Cherokee: a memoir of involuntary commitment, 2005 Advanced Placement (AP) test readings, Daytona Beach. (Have also done readings for the group since 1996). AP Reading, Daytona Beach, FL.

Workshop on Writing Memoir, The American Corner, Skopje, Macedonia, 2005.

Workshop on Writing Fiction, The American Corner, Skopje, Macedonia, 2005.

Workshop on Writing Form Poetry, The American Corner, Skopje, Macedonia, 2005.

Lecture to high school students on writing the SAT and AP essay, Nova School, Skopje, Macedonia, 2004.

Reading, "Our Other Twin," excerpt from Twin Candy Bings, 2004 College English Association (CEA) conference, Richmond, VA.

Moderator, 2004 College English Association (CEA) conference, Richmond, VA.

Reading, "Detox," 2004 Pennsylvania College English Association (PCEA) conference, Scranton, PA.

Reading, "Résumé" and "Are You EVER Going to Be Thin?" from Are You EVER Going to Be Thin? a short story collection, 2003 College English Association (CEA) conference, St. Petersburg, FL.

Reading, "Résumé" from Are You EVER Going to Be Thin? a short story collection, 2003 Advanced Placement (AP) test readings, Daytona Beach. (Have also done readings for the group since 1996).

Reading, "Psychedelic Bingo" and "How NOT to Send a Poem Out Into Public" (poems), 2003 SAT II test readings, Princeton, NJ.

Reading, excerpts from Twin Candy Bings, novel-in-progress, 2002 Pennsylvania College English Association (PCEA) conference, St. Davids, PA.

Reading, "Psychedelic Bingo," from Are You EVER Going to Be Thin? a short story collection, 2001 Pennsylvania College English Association conference, Punxsutawney, PA.

Conducted workshop, "Predator Editors, Publishers, and Agents: Avoid the Scam!" 2001 Clockhouse Writer’s Conference, Goddard College, Plainfield, VT.

Reading, excerpts from Mystical Bodies, a novel, 1999 College English Association conference, Philadelphia, PA.

Reading, excerpts from Mystical Bodies, a novel, 1998 Pennsylvania College English Association conference, DuBois, PA.

Organized three creative writing sessions, including an Editor’s Roundtable discussion, my own presentation on fiction writing, and Larry Rubin’s poetry workshop, 1996 College English Association conference, New Orleans, LA.

Reading, "Snakes," a short story, 1995 Pennsylvania College English Association conference, State College, PA.

Organized three creative writing sessions, including own presentation of a "Flash Fiction" workshop, Larry Rubin’s poetry workshop, and Penelope Prentice’s comedy connection workshop, 1995 College English Association conference, Cleveland, OH.

Conducted creative writing workshop, "How to Create Interactive Characters from Scratch," 1994 College English Association conference, Orlando, FL.

Organized creative writing panel, "The Teacher as Creative Writer," 1993 College English Association conference, Charlotte, NC. Also presented paper "Hear Our Voices: Back to the Past."

Reading, "Feet," from Are You EVER Going to Be Thin? a short story collection, 1993 Pennsylvania College English Association (PCEA) conference, Bloomsburg, PA.

Reading, "Knowing," "Mafia Lawyer Scum," "Possibilities for Capricious Weather," "Placard on a Honolulu Bus," and "TO JWC: Eulogy for a Stranger" (poems), 1992 College English Association conference, Pittsburgh, PA.

Presented paper "When Freud Steps in..." and read short story "Visitation," 1991 Pennsylvania College English Association conference, York, PA.

Session Respondent, 1990 College English Association conference, Buffalo, NY.
Chaired session and read "Our Lady of Miracles" (short story), 1990 Pennsylvania College English Association conference, Pittsburgh, PA.

Reading, "Rendezvous" (short story), creative writing workshop, 1988 National Lektors’ Conference, Skofja Loka, Yugoslavia.

HONORS AND AWARDS

Honorable mention, "Résumé" (short story), International Journal for Teachers of English Writing Skills (2003).

Honorable mention, "Seppuku" and "Cycles" (poems), Writer’s Digest Writing Competition (1995).

Honorable mention, "In Waiting" (short story), Baltimore Sun Magazine Holiday Fiction Contest (1990).

Honorable mention, "Visitation" (short story), Baltimore Sun Magazine Summer Fiction Contest (1990).

Honorable mention, "Our Lady of Miracles" (short story), Baltimore Sun Magazine Holiday Fiction Contest (1989).

First Prize, "Starlings" (poem), annual poetry competition, Pennsylvania Poets’ Society (1987).

Scholarship, Georgetown University for study at the Georgetown Writing Conference (1982).

Full Scholarship, Edison Foundation to attend National Collegiate Newspaper Conference, Washington, DC. (1981).

OFFICES AND MEMBERSHIPS

Member of the College English Association (CEA) Board, 2007-2010.
Chair, Creative Writing Committee, College English Association (CEA) (1994-1996). Organized multiple creative writing sessions at annual conventions.

Member, Board of Trustees at Goddard College, Plainfield, VT (1992-1993). Served on the Finance/ Personnel and the ad hoc Visioning/Identity, and the ad hoc Presidential Evaluation Committees

Current memberships: College English Association (CEA), Pennsylvania College English Association (PCEA), National Council of Teachers of English (NCTE), Modern Language Association (MLA), Associated Writing Programs (AWP).

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

_________________________________________________________________

This résumé does not reveal the so-called service jobs Aunt Savvy held before and during college: Credit Checker, Janitor, Food Server, Bookkeeper, Library Assistant, and General Clerk.

She is also the mother of one child and stepchild (both grown) and grandmother to two girls.
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About "Please Be Advised": An Advice Website

2008-12-20T15:20:00.000-08:00

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Our Web Address: Please.info
______________________________________________________________________

Just what is an "advice website," anyway?

Wikipedia defines an "advice column" as

...a column at a magazine or newspaper written by an advice columnist (colloquially known as an "agony aunt," or "agony uncle," if the columnist is a male).

The image presented was originally of an older woman providing comforting advice and maternal wisdom, hence the name "aunt."

An advice columnist for the web and 21st century, however, is no longer confined to the vetted print newspapers and magazines. On the internet, one will find a plethora of independent blog advisers offering advice on both specialized and general topics. So, then, an "advice website" is an expanded definition of an advice column to include an internet space that offers advice to a readership.

Please Be Advised is such a website.

Wikipedia (with some minor structural and word tweaking) defines "advice" as

...a form of relating personal opinions, belief systems, personal values and recommendations about certain situations relayed in some context to another person, group or party often offered as a guide to action and/or conduct.

A more acceptable definition is that advice is merely an opinion about what a person or group could or should do in any given situation.

Advice is believed to be theoretical, and is often considered taboo as well as helpful [For example, unwanted versus wanted advice].

The kinds of advice can range from systems of instructional and practical toward more esoteric and spiritual, and is often attributable toward problem solving, strategy seeking, and solution finding, either from a social standpoint or a personal one.

Advice may pertain to the following:
Relationships

Lifestyle changes

Legal choices

Business goals

Personal goals

Career goals

Educational goals

Religious beliefs

Personal growth

Motivation

Inspirational
Advice is not pertinent to any solid criteria, and may be given freely, or only given when asked upon.

In some cultures advice is socially unacceptable to be released unless requested. In other cultures advice is given more openly.

Advice may also be given in exchange for payment, especially if the advice is specialized, such as legal or methodological advice.

Many expressions and quotations have been used to describe the status of advice, whether given or received.

One such expression is "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." (Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977).

This particular quotation refers to the belief system that states that the answers to one's questions are within themselves, and do not come from any external stimuli. The accuracy of this particular belief is often disputed among theologians, philosophers, etc. However, a person who would hold such a belief, would "advise" another person to seek the answers out from within one's own esoteric and inner spiritual natures.

Advice when adhered to and followed may be beneficial, non-beneficial, damaging, non-damaging, partially beneficial and partially damaging, in reference to personal or social paradigms. In other words, not all advice is either "all good" or "all bad."

Many people consider unrequested advise to be paternalistic and patronizing and are thus offended.

Therefore, some people may come to the conclusion that advice is morally better to be left out of the equation altogether, and this theory is included within the following quote:

"The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice" (Author unknown)

Yet, often in society, advice has been helpful.

A more day to day example would be "Eat your vegetables" or "Don't drink and drive." If this advice is followed, we can see that the benefits would outweigh the consequences.

Please Be Advised is a site where advice columnist "Aunt Savvy" offers general advice on various topics, very similar to the areas listed above.

Aunt Savvy is a generalist in that she does not offer specialized advice, such as psychological, medical, and sexual advice, but general advice, based on common sense and wisdom.

If a reader submits a question for which this columnist does not feel qualified to answer, she will say so and try to steer the reader in the right direction.

Right now, Please Be Advised is a one-person operation, but if you have a question, she will consider posting it on this website along with her best answer. In the future, team members may be added to this site.

For more information on how to submit a question, click here.
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Advice: "My Girlfriend is Pulling Away..."

2008-12-19T11:45:00.000-08:00

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Question:

Marilee (not her real name), my girlfriend of three months, seems to be pulling away from me. For the first two months, our relationship was great. We would often talk for hours, well into the night, revealing everything about each other.

I'm 30, never married, and Marilee is 27, with three kids, who I adore. Should our relationship go to the next level (marriage), I'll have no problem assuming an instant family, so that's not an issue.

However, she is still married to her husband, although they have been separated for two years.

When I ask Marilee about what's wrong, she just shrugs and says, "Maybe we're moving too fast." I also notice that her ex-husband (to be) has been helping her around the house, doing handyman chores. This hurts because I'm a professional carpenter and I'd be more than willing to fix anything that's broken.

What can I do?

--Mr. Fix-it

Aunt Savvy's answer:

You may be a victim of bad timing.

Marilee may be pulling away because she's not ready for another relationship. The fact that she is still married to her ex-husband (to be?), reveals a lot about Marilee and her current relationship with her husband. Neither person seems to have moved on, and there is always the chance that Marilee may get back together with her ex (not to be?), although these second go-rounds often fail.

Even if your relationship does reach the next level, please consider that you have not known Marilee very long; three months is not enough time to establish a deep relationship, no matter how many all-night talks you may have had. You simply don't know her well enough yet.

Most importantly, you seem a bit cavalier about the "instant family" issue. Even under the best of circumstances, blended families offer their own set of problems. No matter how much you adore Marilee's children and they adore you, they may come to resent you and feel that you are trying to take their daddy's place. Consider, too, that Mr. Ex will be a large part of your life: weekly custody transfers, birthday parties, weddings, etc. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can be a major stressor in a second marriage.

For now, the best thing you can do is have a heart-to-heart talk with Marilee; however, be prepared for the possibility that she will ask you for more space or, perhaps, even end your relationship. While this will be painful, at least you will be able to pick up the pieces and move on.

What is "Etiquette"?

2008-12-18T11:23:00.000-08:00

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According to the The Free Dictionary, etiquette involves "The practices and forms prescribed by social convention or by authority."

Etiquette is a code of social behavior and expectations required for the smooth transactions among people, both in social and business settings. Etiquette is what sets us apart from the animal kingdom, which has its own rules, driven by the instinctual desire to survive, for even tribal peoples who live in the wild have their own codes of etiquette (some of which may seem strange to us).

In other words, the norms that make up etiquette are predicated upon what works for a society to function properly, for without some basic norms, humans would resort to instinctual behavior.

Norms of behavior often differ from culture to culture, so while visiting other countries, one might inadvertently violate an important norm. For example, dickering in a Greek market is a well-honored tradition, while in Germany it can be viewed as an insult.

Quite simply, etiquette is based on what works for a specific culture.

The Free Dictionary definition may be slightly misleading in its use of the word "authority" because etiquette is rarely "legislated," although, in some countries, spitting on the sidewalk may carry a fine, and in the U.S. littering is illegal. These laws may have started as etiquette norms, but have, over time, been legislated to stop disease.

However, if you eat your salad with the wrong fork, you may face social disapproval, but you won't face a fine.

Social conventions, which may differ among social groups within the same country, are often enforced by their elders and passed down to the young. For example, in one social group, a child might be chided for putting her elbows on the table during a meal, while in another it's not a huge issue.

Social norms are important societal indicators because they can reveal much about the state of a culture. For years, articles published about U.S. popular culture decried the rise of rudeness among young people and spelled out scenarios of societal doom as rude youth roamed the streets with their cell phones, wolfing down Burger King Whoppers on the run. However, as young people mature and accept jobs in business, they soon realize that in order to succeed in business, they had better brush up on their business etiquette. For example, books such as Business Etiquette for Dummies offers new hope for younger generations needing to get in touch with their inner courtesy.

Etiquette is difficult to define specifically; travelers who must interact with other cultures should read up on cultural norms for the places where they expect to visit or work.

And don't spit on the sidewalk.
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Inadvertent Lapses in Etiquette: Erroneous Assumptions and Stereotypes

2008-12-17T07:07:00.000-08:00

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The three-day conference in Des Moines was was supposed to be a festive occasion for a group of international students who were living in or visiting Iowa.

Sixteen at the time, I was invited to tag along because we had an international college student living with us and she didn't want to travel alone to Des Moines, which was three hours away by bus.

Instead of staying in a hotel, we stayed with a host family, the Smiths (not their real names). These people graciously opened their home to us and gave up their own bedroom so that we would have a nice place to stay. They were a young family with three children, one of them a newborn, so having two extra people around must not have been easy for them.

The husband looked very boyish, almost like a teenager, while the wife looked considerably older.

Without thinking, I made an assumption based on a stereotype.

I said to Mr. Smith, "Your mother is very nice."

OUCH!

Even as the words slid out of my mouth, I realized the awful truth. Fortunately, Mr. Smith was gracious and did not take take my gaffe personally; maybe he was used to it, but, still...I spent the entire weekend slinking around like a felon.

One positive: I hadn't told Mrs. Smith that she had a cute son.

Sigh...as a youngster, I was known for my inadvertent lapses in etiquette, notorious for opening my mouth before thinking, but, at 16, I was old enough to know better.

I have also been on the other side of the erroneous assumption. Just before my husband and I married, we were shopping for our wedding rings. I was a very young-looking 33-year-old woman (I often got carded in bars), and my husband a normal-looking 43. One particularly thick sales person said, "Your daughter is a very lucky girl."

OUCH, again!

Hello! We were shopping for wedding rings! The young salesperson was horribly embarrassed and apologized profusely, but my husband-to-be was slightly offended at her assumption and spent the day feeling as though he had robbed the cradle.

Young children can get away with those minor embarrassing moments, but once you shed the short pants and pigtails, it's time to think about your words before they slip out.

Basic rule of thumb: if you're not sure, don't make assumptions. It's better not to make a statement or ask a question than to risk making an erroneous assumption.

Simple, right?

On the surface, asking, "When's the baby due?" sounds like an innocuous enough question, but if the listener is not pregnant, well, you have just embarrassed both yourself and the non-pregnant woman.

Have you noticed that most assumption-based questions and statements are simply nosy and not really any of your business anyway?

The pregnancy question is especially egregious; even if the woman is pregnant, maybe she simply doesn't want to make a big deal about her condition. So button your lip; if she's someone with whom you have regular contact, you'll find out soon enough--when the baby arrives. If you don't expect to see her any time soon, why would you care if she's pregnant or not?

Some commonly-held assumptions/stereotypes and their opposites:

--African-Americans work at low-paying service jobs (Perhaps with the election of Barack Obama, this silly assumption will fade away into welcome obscurity).
Many African-Americans hold positions of immense power.

Childless couples are unhappy people who want children but simply can't have them.
Some childless couples make a conscious choice not to have children.

CEOs with gender-neutral first names are male.
Some CEOs with gender-neutral first names are female.

Children throwing fits in public are simply brats.
Some children throwing fits in public are developmentally disabled or challenged and can't help themselves.

Men and women having lunch/dinner together are married or dating each other.
Many men and women having lunch/dinner together are simply friends or having a professional working meal together (strangers).

Men and women having lunch/dinner together are having an affair.
Many men and women having lunch/dinner together are simply friends or having a professional working meal together (friends and acquaintances).

Two people of the same sex living together are gay or lesbian.
Often, two people of the same sex living together are just trying to save money on rent and expenses.

People who act stoned are doing illegal drugs; people who stagger around are drunks.
Some people who act stoned have a disease that mimics illegal drug use; some people who stagger around have a disease that mimics drunkenness.

Strangers or acquaintances who cozy up to you and invade your personal space are perverts or trying to put the moves on you.
Many strangers or acquaintances who cozy up to you and invade your personal space are from countries where the personal space distance is much shorter.

The trouble is, these common assumptions and stereotypes are often true, so in our minds, they are in danger of seeming to be true all the time; however, the truth may be more complicated.

This list is not exhaustive--every day, we make assumptions--both true and erroneous--about the world around us.

However, we can minimize any damage caused by assumptions, by simply keeping our lips buttoned.

When you are considering asking a stranger or acquaintance a personal question, first ask yourself:

--Is the question appropriate to the level of relationship you have with this person?

--Do you really need to know the answer? (NOT "Do you want to know the answer?)

--Will your knowing the answer help this person in a significant way?

If you answer "no" to any of these questions, then don't ask your question.

Unsolicited comments based on assumptions follow the same basic concept:

--Is the comment appropriate to the level of relationship you have with this person?

--Does the listener really need to hear what you have to say?

--Will your comment help this person in a significant way?

If you answer "no" to any of these questions, then don't offer your comment.

Feel free to comment.
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Cellphone Etiquette

2008-12-15T16:37:00.000-08:00

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Major pet peeve:

The annoying cellphone.

In the old days, say the late 1980's, "mobile" or "car" phones were mobile only in the sense that they were permanently installed in cars, and users could call as they hurtled 70 mph down the interstate. But other than that, it was the public phone booth or nothing. And, in truth, that system worked remarkably well for nearly 100 years.

Then, back in the early 1990's, the mobile phone became truly mobile; users could unplug them from their cigarette lighters and move them to other cars. Unfortunately, the early models did not have battery packs that actually held a charge, so users could not really use them anywhere but their cars. Besides, minutes were expensive ($3.00-$5.00 a minute, plus roaming charges, which could be anything the provider wanted to charge), so using them for casual chit-chat wasn't really an affordable option.

These phones, with regular handsets and dialing pad, came in a small zippered cases, about the same width and length as a netbook but much thicker. This is what we bought as our first "cell" phone. At that time, we traveled a lot by car, so the cell was just for emergencies.

We were more than ready to give up our CB (Citizens' Band Radio); readers of a certain age will remember, "Hey, Good Buddy!" and "Put the pedal to the metal!" screeching from a tinny box. It's not that we didn't find truck drivers' take on the world charming; it's just that they cussed a lot, and we had a kid to raise--actually, by the time we bought this bagged wonder, the kid was in college, but still...

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Convoy (C.W. McCall, 1975)

tylerlauden

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Anyway, as we unpacked the phone and got it up and running for mobility, a little voice went off in my head:

"Oh, oh, this new-fangled thing can't be good for society."
Even then, I could envision these things springing up in public, ringing anywhere and everywhere.

And I was right; not only do these horrid things go off all the time during inappropriate times, they often do so with annoying ringtones.

My husband and I each have a cell phone now; nine times out of ten, mine is off. I'm not a frivolous phone person, and I have no special desire to be available 24/7 to whoever decides to call. I love being in control of my phone domain, thank you; if you call when I don't feel like talking to you, then I'll turn my phone off and get back to you when I'm not busy or cranky.

Evidently, I'm pretty much alone in that opinion.

Still, cellphone users should follow some basic etiquette:

1. In public arenas (concerts, films, classrooms, plays, professional meetings), the cell phone should be OFF. At the very least, the phone should be on vibrate, and all calls should be taken outside of the arena. In the classroom, the phone should always be off, unless you check with your instructor first and ONLY if you're an EMT, firefighter, or doctor on call. In that case, place on vibrate, take call outside the room. (See also number 6).

2. When you're on a date or outting with friends and family, your phone should be OFF. Answering your cell when you're with people sends a message that the call is more important than the people you're with. If you need to check your phone, excuse yourself to call people back and read your text messages, but don't hang on the phone--just be quick and courteous. If you are anticipating an important call, let your friends know in advance, and when the call arrives, excuse yourself; there is nothing more awkward than sitting there while someone is blathering on the phone.

3. If you MUST answer your phone on a bus, train, taxiing plane, or any closed space, please don't shout; believe me, your conversation is decidedly uninteresting and annoying. We don't care if Aunt Booba had her daily bowel movement or about the details of Grandma's gall bladder surgery. Remember, we're a captive audience and can't escape from your Dreadful Daily Minutia.

4. Don't answer your cell phone when you're wee-weeing in a public restroom (or at any other inappropriate place). True story from the next stall:

"Yeah, Mabel, I'm on the toilet. Yeah, yeah, I'll be there in a minute. I'm wiping myself now." (Flush) "Hear that?" (Going out the door without having washed her hands [ew!]): "Yeah, I'll pick up the sandwiches..."
5. If you're in a service job--cashier, receptionist, salesperson--NEVER take personal calls on ANY phone while waiting on customers. If I were a boss, that would be grounds for instant firing. If nothing else, always keep in mind: you are overhead, your customers are profit. You are expendable, your customers are not--they are the lifeblood of your boss's business.

6. Never take calls when you're with your boss or any other person who wields professional power over you, such as a job interviewer or instructor. Your phone should be OFF, OFF, and OFF. If I have to tell you why, then you are truly a numpty dunderhead.

7. This is fairly minor, but if you use an earphone (blue tooth?) so that you can talk while you're walking (God help that you should end up with some quiet time), you might want to make sure that the earphone is prominent enough so that strangers don't think you're rambling to yourself. Those one-way conversations can be disconcerting.

I'm not a Luddite; I have embraced technology--I love computers and all the bells and whistles that go with them--and I accept that the world moves forward. Nothing ever stays the same.

However, some basics remain the same: treating other people, even strangers, as we would want to be treated.

Maybe less "me-me-me" behavior would be a good place to start.

Note to the airlines: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE never allow cellphone use in the skies. Even if the technology eventually supports in-air cell use, can't we just pretend otherwise?

It's bad enough having to fly in a can of sardines, but a can of sardines filled with a cacophony of hum-drum babel is more than I can bear.

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Etiquette: The Pet Peeve Thread

2008-12-15T15:13:00.000-08:00

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Welcome to The Pet Peeve Thread!
If you have a hot-button pet peeve regarding basic decorum, etiquette, or any other issue, please post your pain here in the comment section or email Aunt Savvy.

(Note: comments are moderated, so please don't double post. Thank you.)
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Door and Doorway Etiquette

2008-12-15T13:27:00.000-08:00

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One of my pet peeves:

In a public setting, the person walking ahead of me allows a door to slam in my face.

What the heck?

How long does it take to glance back to make sure that no one is behind you? And when the person behind you is near, how much effort does it take to hold the door for him or her?

For your courtesy, you might even get a smile or "thank you." Even if the other person doesn't acknowledge your courtesy, you will have known that you did the polite thing (Bragging rights here).

By observing door behavior, you can tell a lot about people and their basic characteristics; a person who thinks nothing of allowing a door to slam in your face is not likely to care much about anything except him or herself.

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Door Etiquette

tjohnson55
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Another pet peeve:

People who stand in doorways, blocking passersby; if you're going to engage in a long, drawn-out conversation, please move it to a less traffic area, like a coffee shop, bar, park, or low traffic area.

People who insist on blocking passing traffic always seem to act as if it were your fault that their conversation has been so rudely interrupted by your wanting to get from point A to point B.

So, my dear readers, holding doors open for strangers and keeping doorways free of human doorstops are simple things that you can do to help grease the wheels of polite society.
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Miss Nancy Minds Their Manners

2008-12-05T22:16:00.000-08:00

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DownEastDocs says,

This is a 3 minute visual and preliminary trailer/preview for the upcoming documentary, "Miss Nancy Minds Their Manners". This film by filmmakers Martha Weeks Daniel and Caroline Rumsey Paxton fMiss Nancy Minds Their Manners is an earnest and heartfelt documentary film that follows 74 year old "Miss Nancy" Rascoe through the engaging task of teaching manners to children in her 200 hundred year old home in rural Hertford, NC. It's a five day and four night summer etiquette camp like no other and the mix of activities are all rich with Miss Nancy's true Southern gentility and grace from an era gone by.

The candid and often rambunctious campers help reveal Miss Nancy as a most charismatic Southern lady who's both charming and captivating. With abundant patience, and unknowing humor, she and her vibrant camp staff share not only the finer technical points to correct etiquette, but the underlying meaning and purpose of it all as well.

When summer ends, Miss Nancy also minds the manners of third grade students at an area public middle school in the fall. Her efforts with these students give them skills and confidence in special etiquette classes where they learn dining manners, telephone etiquette, introductions and correspondence.

People from the South have always prided themselves on good manners, and Miss Nancy's endearing spirit and zest for life move beyond traditional stereotypes of formality and social class often associated with etiquette. Through her religious and character values, Miss Nancy gives the children a better understanding of how positively good manners affect others, as well as themselves. Southern hospitality shines through all the valuable lessons that the children can take with them throughout life.

More information available at

MissNancyMindsTheirManners.com

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Please: "How About That Magic Word?"

2008-12-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

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Dear Readers,

Welcome to this new advice website!

We live in an era where courtesy is increasingly practiced all too little and yet is much needed, so it would seem that the word "please" would be part of the title for an advice website.

On this site, Aunt Savvy offers advice on common problems and, perhaps, ways in which we can become a more courteous society.

Remembering to use the word "please" offers a good start; typically, when one asks advice from a friend or family member, the request is preceded by

Please
Did you know that the term "please" is searched approximately 2,400,000,000 (yes, that's billions) times a month on Google and 10,600,000,000 times on Yahoo?

This suggests that people still want to use "please" in their day-to-day dealings with people.

"Please" is truly a magic word that can open important doors for us.

Remember from childhood, after you had begged for something (toy, treat, or extra TV time), your mom or dad (or a stern auntie) gently asking you, "What's the magic word?"

Of course, you always knew the answer. You also understood that saying "Please?" (even when you didn't exactly mean it) delighted your elders.

"Please" is the word that can grease the gears of society and even put a smile on someone's face; everyone loves to be flattered, even when one realizes that, well, the speaker might not be altogether sincere.

But that's okay; sometimes a well-positioned white lie is okay because if you say "please" enough, it will become a part of your character; you will eventually become grateful to people who have helped you along the way.

Aunt Savvy is not quite sure how this site will eventually evolve, but she was offered a gift of "please" in a domain name and is proud to assume it as part of the name for this website.

To ask Aunt Savvy a question, click here.

Or read more here.

Best wishes to all!

Aunt Savvy
Webmaster
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